christmas lunch

Our boss took us out for lunch.

While we were at this lunch, he (our boss) began talking about how his son always gets his belongings stolen at the YMCA.  This was his reasoning:

"He always leaves his clothing and iPod just sitting out. He doesn't put it in a locker. I try to tell him you can't do things like that around the 'brothers' or they will steal your stuff."

Nah bro, the reason your son gets his stuff stolen is because he's a rich brat and doesn't take care of his shit because he knows you'll just replace it for him.

that is bad service

Phil and I were discussing the occasional bad service at restaurants on this particular drive home.
 We had to take a detour from our usual route and we went past a hotel that has a sports bar in it.

"I ate there once with another couple. Worst service I've ever had. The waiter was black."

Enough said.

i know italian when i see italian

Philbert and I were discussing our lunches today.
I mentioned that I brought gnocchi and how much I love
reheating pasta.

Phil asked me "What is gnocchi? Is that supposed to be Italian?"

I explained to him that it was basically a "potato filled mini dumpling" to which he responded:
"What? Are you sure you know what you're talking about? I've eaten a lot of spaghetti and Italian foods in my day, and I've never once heard of that!"

I'm just going to tell him I invented gnocchi.

what does that even mean?

We drive across a road that is being worked on...
"Those are the Obama dollars right there."


Phil also just walked into my office and said
"Free to breathe!"
I looked at him, puzzled. I thought he meant the boss man had left.
"Isn't that what the banner out there says?" He asks. At this point
I realize what he is talking about
"Oh, yeah." I replied.

Phil begins to walk off and mumbles
"That's about the only thing that is free!"

snow plows are the weapon of choice

On the drive home Friday Phil began to grumble about how "they tell you one day eggs and steak are bad for you, and then the next day say these things are good for you. You know what I believe in? I believe in genes. If your family is healthy, you will be healthy. If your family lives long, you will live long. Unless you get hit by a car."

Gee, thanks for that wisdom, but cholesterol is still cholesterol.

While he was on this rant, he transitioned into grumbling about the way people tend to double park on a certain street.

"Puerto Ricans are always double parking! There is a spot right next to them, but they always park in the street!" I interrupt him to inform him that a lot of people do this...

"Yeah? Well I stop and yell 'What the fuck you doin?!' I'll tell you what. Wish I had a snow plow on the front of my car. Would smash them right into the curb."

"p" as in "phil"

I am sitting here listening to Phillip talk to a client. He was giving them his email address like this:

"'p' as in 'pass', yup, 'h' as in 'house', yeah got that? 'i' as in 'ill', got that? and then 'l' as in losers. Okay. now 'at', as in the 'at symbol'..."

I just love him because he loves going above and beyond. I think they know when you say 'at' you mean '@'. We do not live in 1920.

eating chinese is for suckers

Sometimes the ride home ends up okay. We can sometimes bitch about something stupid other people at work did, get a laugh out of it. Sometimes we talk about dinner. I always talk about dinner. I think about food a lot.

But of course I don't eat anything because vegetarians just eat air and drink the glistening morning dew off of leaves.

I was talking about wanting to eat at a restaurant named Rice & Noodles. Phil asked me what kind of food they had there, and I told him Vietnamese. His response to this was:

"I don't mess with Chinese. They are all dirty."

I was speechless for a while...

"Well, it actually isn't Chinese, it is Vietnamese. They are pretty different..." I said, staring at him.

"It is all the same anyway." He responded.

I sat speechless for the rest of the ride.

i am better than you

Phil is no ordinary man.

He is superior.

This is why he doesn't have to make use of the turn signals on his automobile.

Maybe they are broken?

a disturbing discovery

It was my first day driving. I figured it would be an interesting experience because I obviously  can't pretend to be asleep while I'm driving... but I had no idea what I was in store for.

I used music as my defense to avoid uncomfortable small talk. This is Phil though, so of course he had to do something irritating. He never wears his seat belt, ever.  In my car, this causes a very irritating "seat belt alarm" to continuously ring. Does he not hear this alarm? I'm not sure.

Is it wrong of me to tell him to put that shit on? Do I even really want him to, since he will most likely stretch it out? So many unanswered questions.

So anyway, the drive was going fine.... until I see him picking his nose...

I just had to pretend I didn't see it.

mind-numbing silence

Phil and I live relatively close to one another and work kind of far away. After two months, it was decided that there was no reason not to carpool. By this point there were a few small things that drove me crazy about him, but nothing over the top.  This arrangement was a great idea because of how much money I would be saving on gas.

The first day I noticed he doesn't listen to the radio. At all. Not even talk radio.

That is weird.

I get it, I understand that somehow there are people out there that don't listen to music. But to just drive in complete silence? There is no arguing the awkwardness of this situation. Pretty much the only thing we have in common is the fact that we like a certain baseball team and even then he rarely talks about them. When he does he just spews garbage that isn't even accurate.

So I came up with a beautiful plan. Always wear a hoodie and sunglasses. Generally I sleep on the morning car ride, but if I can't, he doesn't know that I'm awake because of my "disguise".

The only problem now is the fact that he doesn't  brake like a normal person. Every time he needs to slow down or stop the car, it is just a slam of the brakes. Great for your neck and the car, sir. 

Well done.

not to foul you up or anything...

I would like to start off by saying I'm changing my coworker's name. We will call him "Phil".

The first thing I noticed about Phil was the fact that he uses the term "foul" in place of ANY of the following: "mess, fuck, screw". He says "foul-up" all of the time. I heard him on the phone with one of our corporate clients saying "Boy, I really fouled up today."

This drives me crazy. It didn't at first, but he says it so often that I can no longer handle it. Every time he speaks it I boil over with rage.  I have never heard anyone use this, ever.

Maybe I'm just an asshole.